On Wednesday evening, SYD appeared in my bedroom doorway and in a very slow monotone voice announced that there was the "biggest spider in the world" in the bathroom. Naturally, I ignored this and said it would go away soon, ending with the usual, equally monotone but with a slight increase in volume, "go to bed". The next morning, first up, I wandered bleery eyed through to have a shower and realised that the spider in question was still there and that it was, despite SYD's exageration, bigger than I had seen for a while. Definitely not the "biggest spider in the world" but it was sufficently large enough for me to realise it would get stuck if I tried to wash it down the drain - (apparently you can tell someone's personality from the way they deal with spiders!). Anyway, I don't do that and normally I don't worry about spiders too much, I'm no arachnophobe, but it was early in the morning, I was in a hurry and there was a very large spider between me and my shower.

I tried to capture it in an empty cotton bud holder but realised it's legs were going to get severed if I flicked it upwards to contain it, so I left the container semi-covering it and went off to put on the kettle. All the while thinking how ridiculous this was and why didn't I just pick it up and throw it out the window? If it was a bird I would probably have thrown a towel over it and gently gathered it up and taken it outside. Ah ha, I though, perhaps if I threw something over it......mmm but a towel would be too big and since it hadn't really moved yet I wasn't sure how fast this spider would go. It might move ponderously, long leg by long leg. Or it might be a bionic spider and shoot up my arm the minute I went near it. Although I thought it was probably too large to be able to move quickly.

By now I was beginning to get slightly annoyed by the whole predicament. After all, here was something only about half the size of my hand at its full expanse and I was scared to pick it up. As I looked around, I realised that the only thing which might be worth using was a piece of toilet paper. It might just crawl onto it if I could persuade it to move at all. By now I was being particularly cowardly and ripped off, not one or two sheets but several. I dangled them in the bottom of the bath and moved the cotton bud container until the spider very obligingly crawled onto the paper. I thought that perhaps it liked the gentle soft peach colour, a nice relaxing tone, to get it moving (so to speak!) first thing in the morning. It didn't even move quickly enough to frighten me. I waited until I was sure it had settled onto the paper and gently lifted the whole piece, trailing dangerously close to my arm as I lifted it...........and threw it unceremoniously out of the window. I watched as it trailed and floated its way down to the ground, landing on the stair at the back door.

I thought that was the end of it and at some point I would retrieve the paper before it blew all over the garden. However, by the time I went downstairs it was still sitting there. Motionless. "I think it's dead" said SYD in a triumphant voice. "No it's not" I replied in disgust. As if I would kill a poor defenceless, harmless little spider. I've read Charlotte's Web. What kind of mother does she think I am?!!!!

With all this carry on, I had momentarily forgotten that for several years we have had a pet spider in the garage. As I remembered this, it all started to make perfect sense. I thought this must be where the spider had come from. Perhaps he/she/it had just come to visit us in our home. It seemed only fair. My tumble drier is in the garage and spider sits not too far away, so I suppose I visit it frequently. It seems reasonable to think it may have decided to watch us for a while and visit. I had a rush of compassion and thought I should return it to its rightful home. After all, it may just have been a little lost, or disorientated, after its parachute jump from the bathroom window. I though I'd be nice and helpful. So I took it, wing walking (carefully, and still trailing a fair distance away from my hand, on the end of the long sheet of toilet paper) and deposited it onto the web.

Imagine my surprise when I looked up to see this sitting on the wall watching me! Horror of horrors, this had not been my friendly garage spider. This was another (smaller!) imposter. Bathroom spider, having touched the web with one leg, decided this was a suitable place to alight and was off. Straight onto the web. Well, by now I was severely confused. I really know nothing about spiders, apart from what I did learn in Charlotte's Web (very informative actually) and from Alice Cooper, or to be more precise, Vincent Price, in The Black Widow from "Welcome to My Nightmare" back in 1975!

Yes, I had realised this wasn't a black widow! What I wasn't sure about was whether they were of the same species they looked similar, although bathroom spider was slightly dumpier and smaller. Perhaps it was female and garage spider was male?! I didn't stay around to watch but I have been wondering whether I have been instrumental in creating a garage war or whether I will be thanked by both spiders for introducing them to what might be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Unfortunately the rest of my family do not share my enthusiasm for this new found interest. They have visions of colonies of spiders infesting the garage and subsequently over-running the house in true 'B Movie' style.......we'll see. Meanwhile, now that I have reminded myself about Alice, I'm off to listen to "Welcome to My Nightmare" and the dulcit tones of Vincent Price.
posted by Red Writer