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03/25/2006: "Future is brighter"
Well, I'm slowly climbing out of the doldrums. Through all the stress I'm beginning to see the funny side of things again...
Last Friday I took a day's holiday to try to get all my art work finished for hand-in on Monday. I met SO after his work at the cinema and I guess I must have been exhausted because after one glass of wine, a comfy sofa in the cinema and for the first time ever after the credits rolled at the beginning of the film the next thing I was aware of was the credits again - yep, I slept the whole way through the film. Which is really bad since it was George Cloony in "Good Night and Good Luck"! I can't believe I did that. 
The rest of the weekend was spent pretty much 18 hours each day trying to finish off work and create my contrived sketchbooks. I am so bad at using sketchbooks! The modules were more practical this time; jewellery and sculpture and most of my ideas were really in my head or worked out in the studio in a more, well, practical way. So I spent a bit of time trying to document my train of thoughts retrospectively. I managed it to an extent and did get the work in on time on Monday. I liked the way the displays worked out but who knows how I'll get on. Will wait until I get marks until I comment and may then put up some pics. All I know is that I loved the three days I had working on art and nothing else.
Work is turning out to be a little disappointing. After the promising start, I've been the subject of two incidents of what can only be termed as harrassment within the last couple of weeks. So I've spent a great deal of the time worrying about them and not saying anything to anyone and basically just getting myself upset about it all. However, through various turns of events I was persuaded by my boss that it wasn't just me who felt these things were unacceptable and I guess I have a little support now. Still, I'm working in a very different environment than I have before and I can't believe how some people can be so aggressive and basically down right nasty. It is a very different culture than I've met before and I can't say I'm finding it very nice.
In general things are extremely pressurised and I don't get much time to dwell on things at work but equally I don't feel I'm able to give my best as tasks, responsibilities and pressures are being piled on. I know it's too soon to be making any firm decisions about my future here but it has unfortunately awoken a seed of doubt and that's really disappointing so early on. I have a six month probationary period which I will work but I'm going to really have to work out if this is what I want to be doing. My own happiness far outweights any monetary benefits and I think I am lucky to be in the position where I have a choice in a few months time. Equally they may find me useless and let me go - not sure which would be easier 
God I hate having to make decisions about me. I really, really thought this was the way forward and I'm so disappointed to feel like it might not be. Still, I've got my brave hat on again so they'd all better watch out for even more dynamic me who's going to knock their socks off next week.
I've just worked out that this is the first weekend this year that I don't have to "do" anything and it feels great. I've had a lazy morning so far but might go and treat myself to a little retail therapy this afternoon. Think it's time to flex some cards and spend all this money I've been earning.
